How to NOT kill yourself

“How to NOT kill yourself pt 1

Avoid being around people who make you want to kill yourself”

Kanye West

Anxiety and Depression are tough, heavy things to carry. Often they come as a pair, slapping you in the head and hitting you in the stomach in succession, or at the same time. Other times they come on their own, and they hit just as hard. Everyone’s situation and relationship with them varies case to case, person to person. I am diagnosed with both and it feels different every-time:

Sometimes it feels like someone’s performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on you constantly, persistently, and relentlessly. Sometimes it feels like hell has ascended into the world and staying in your bed is the slightest yet necessary escape from the suffering hell entails. And sometimes it is just a little voice in your head making you doubt everything you’ve ever done, are doing and will do in the future. As I say, it is tough.

The absolute and complete presence of something in someone’s life makes it insignificant, unnoticeable and meaningless. If you felt pleasure or happiness all the time then you would not be able to recognise it or appreciate it. A life of absolute happiness would not necessarily be a happy life as it would lack a point of comparison or an understanding of what other emotions are like. Think of it like a man born without sight. He can never understand what yellow feels like or what red feels like, therefore colours have no meaning in their practical day to day life. Sadness, anger, shame, and even depression and anxiety can serve as a way to contrast and appreciate other feelings.

Of course depression and anxiety are an extreme that I would not wish anyone else in the world would have to experience. It is fucking horrible to have a panic attack. It feels so unbelievably hopeless to be trapped in an overthinking pattern caused by anxiety. It is so oppressively lonely to feel trapped in your own room by your depression.

In my case it is also uncontrollable, to an extent. And no matter who you’re with it, it also feels inescapable. For about three years I suffered from it completely on my own. Confused. Ashamed. Disgusted. Seeking help is one of the toughest things I’ve ever done, on par with suffering from the actual things. I thought I was broken and that seeking help would just confirm it and let everyone else know it. Putting a sign on me labeled ‘freak’.

I instead realised that I am not ‘broken’; yes I have a mental illness. And like any other illness it needs treatment. I think I heard in school once that just because we can’t see our brain and what happens to it doesn’t mean we should ignore it. It is just another organ, that like the others when sick needs to be looked at and assessed.

From then I’ve learned to become more open about it and talk about it with those that are close to me. Because much like sadness and anger give context to happiness, having a support group and people close to you let you know that there is something other than depression or anxiety. Because when it really feels like there is nothing more than these two things; while a support group might not exactly make you feel happy, they do help in reminding you that other feelings exist, and that you will be capable of grasping them. They help you lighten the load of the heaviness that comes from your anxieties.

Thats what the Kanye West quote is aiming at. The times that my anxiety and depression has escalated to its absolute peak, (which for full disclosure was a time I was so desperate to stop a particularly ugly panic attack that I took a bunch of painkillers; not to kill myself or harm myself but just because any alternative to it seemed like a better option) have been the times I was surrounded by people that made me feel smaller than I already did. I say this not to blame anyone, it is my life, my decisions and my illness. I just say this to encourage whoever is reading this to surround themselves with love and not with people that just prolong your stay in feel like shit-land.

It is horrible to think that there are people that are stuck with these types of people, in these type of situations. Specially considering the fact that anxiety and depression make you feel so weak that people can take advantage of you and/or abuse you. The current Pandemic only exasperates these scenarios.

If anything I have written applies to you or someone close to you, I want to extend that you can message me anytime if you need someone to talk to, no matter if you barely really know me or if we are really close. More importantly there are a lot of resources where you can look for help.

The NHS provide a list of resources if you’re in the UK:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/.

Similarly if you think you need treatment or want to be diagnosed you should book an appointment with your GP.

The suicide prevention helpline also can provide help if you’re in the USA:

1-800-273-8255

En México:

Línea de Ayuda Origen brinda asesoría psicológica, legal y médica, de manera gratuita y confidencial. Los asesores trabajan de lunes a domingo, de 8 de la mañana a 10 de la noche. El teléfono es: 800 015 16 17. También se les puede contactar por Whatsapp: (55) 7334 8556 y por correo: lineadeayudaorigen@origenac.org.

Igualmente, SAPTEL Cruz Roja Mexicana es un servicio de salud mental a distancia. Tiene 17 años de operar y trabaja las 24 horas del día en servicio gratuito. Su teléfono es: (55) 5259-8121

I personally know that anxiety and depression are things I will have to live with, maybe for my entire life and that I appreciate the people that help me deal with them.

Thank you and I love you,